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Didn't we have a joke page?
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TerryT
Coleshill, Warwickshire
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May 4, 2012 - 6:52 pm
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A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"
The violist replied "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!"
The conductor asked "Don't you think you're overreacting?"
The violist replied "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!"

I was born with nothing,
and to my surprise I still have most of it left!

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NoirVelours
Quebec
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May 4, 2012 - 7:02 pm
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Ok so there's a first violin, a second violin, a violist and a double bass player around a $100 bill. Who takes the bill?

The second violin! Because the double bass is too lazy to move, the violist did not get what's happening and the first violin won't move for only $100

"It can sing like a bird, it can cry like a human being, it can be very angry, it can be all that humans are" Maxim Vengerov

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TerryT
Coleshill, Warwickshire
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May 4, 2012 - 7:03 pm
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Q: How can you make a fiddler slow down?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him

Q2: How can you make that fiddler stop?
A: Put notes on it!

I'm just joking OKAY!! blink

I was born with nothing,
and to my surprise I still have most of it left!

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TerryT
Coleshill, Warwickshire
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May 4, 2012 - 7:05 pm
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Haha, good one NV!birthday_balloon

I was born with nothing,
and to my surprise I still have most of it left!

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TerryT
Coleshill, Warwickshire
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May 4, 2012 - 7:09 pm
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St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next!
What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next!
And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

I was born with nothing,
and to my surprise I still have most of it left!

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NoirVelours
Quebec
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May 4, 2012 - 7:18 pm
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Why does a viola looks bigger then a violin?
Optical illusion, it's the violinist head who's in fact a lot bigger.

"It can sing like a bird, it can cry like a human being, it can be very angry, it can be all that humans are" Maxim Vengerov

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myguitarnow
Laguna Beach
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May 5, 2012 - 1:19 am
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Well at least the violin, viola and double bass have that beautiful hour glass shape in common. It doesn't matter about the size but it is how beautiful you can make her sing.

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NoirVelours
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May 5, 2012 - 11:34 am
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What's the difference between a herd of deers and a symphony?

--> With the deers it's the woods that are to the front the the a**holes in the back!

 

Ok why are all violin jokes picturing violinists as the bad guys? lol and violist as stupid?

"It can sing like a bird, it can cry like a human being, it can be very angry, it can be all that humans are" Maxim Vengerov

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Mad_Wed
Russia, Tatarstan rep. Kazan city
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May 5, 2012 - 11:55 am
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TerryT said
A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"
The violist replied "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!"
The conductor asked "Don't you think you're overreacting?"
The violist replied "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!"

ROTFFLMAOWTO!!! roflroflolrofl

This one is about me!!!

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TerryT
Coleshill, Warwickshire
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May 5, 2012 - 1:23 pm
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Haha, keep 'em coming NV!

And Naska!
I'm surprised at you!
I didn't know you play the oboe!

I was born with nothing,
and to my surprise I still have most of it left!

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NoirVelours
Quebec
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May 5, 2012 - 3:13 pm
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I have a few more I'm translating from french:

What can you do to protect your violin from thieves?
--> use a viola case!

Why violists dislike Kama-Sutra?
--> too many positions!

What's the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
--> the terrorist has sympatizers!

 

ok time to bash on violins also!

What do a violinist and a lawsuit have in common?
--> Everybody is happy when the case is closed.

Why is a violinist's fingers like lightening?
--> They never strike the same place twice!

Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
--> Because all the buttholes are in the first violin section.

"It can sing like a bird, it can cry like a human being, it can be very angry, it can be all that humans are" Maxim Vengerov

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TerryT
Coleshill, Warwickshire
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May 6, 2012 - 5:12 am
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Two guys sat on a park bench,
One of them, the younger one, was a musician and had clearly had a skinfull the night before.

The older guy, looked at him and said "you need to take more care if yourself! Look at you!
I've never touched alcohol or tobacco, never used profanity, and certainly never had pleasures of the flesh with a woman.
And tomorrow, I'll be celebrating my 100th birthday!"
The musician said,
"How?"

I was born with nothing,
and to my surprise I still have most of it left!

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Oliver
NC
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May 6, 2012 - 7:42 am
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Then there was a golfer who drove his golf ball through the picture window of the club house.  The club pro came charging out and the golfer was ready for a harsh reprimand and assessment of damages. 

"What should I do?" pleaded the golfer.

"Try turning your wrist a little" the Pro replied.

rofl

 

The viola jokes are common because the violin people are jealous of the great sound and wonderful low end.  Some of the greatest composers played viola as their personal favorite. 

(I am somewhat offended to see a skinny little girl playing a 16" viola without a shoulder rest!)(child abuse?)

santa3

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

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NoirVelours
Quebec
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May 6, 2012 - 9:50 am
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When Laozi said: "the most beautiful music is Silence!" he was talking to the viola section :p

 

A conductor, lost in a desert and parched suddenly meet a violist playing with brio! When he sees the poor conductor he offers him some water but the maestro refuses and pass him by. Why?

--> a violist playing in tune and brilliantly? Nah surely a mirage.

"It can sing like a bird, it can cry like a human being, it can be very angry, it can be all that humans are" Maxim Vengerov

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DanielB
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May 6, 2012 - 10:12 am
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What is the difference between a violinist transposing a piece from C to E flat and a locksmith?

-the locksmith knows how to change keys and actually get paid for it.

 

Why do some violinists lay a handkerchief over the chinrest before playing?

-violins don't have a spit valve.

 

(part of the fun of any instrument is learning the jokes that go with it)

"This young wine may have a lot of tannins now, but in 5 or 10 years it is going to be spectacular, despite the fact that right now it tastes like crude oil. You know this is how it is supposed to taste at this stage of development." ~ Itzhak Perlman

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NoirVelours
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May 6, 2012 - 11:51 am
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At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"

The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."

The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

"It can sing like a bird, it can cry like a human being, it can be very angry, it can be all that humans are" Maxim Vengerov

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Mad_Wed
Russia, Tatarstan rep. Kazan city
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May 6, 2012 - 4:21 pm
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NoirVelours said
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"

The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."

The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

WaaHaa! this one is awesome!roflroflrofl

TerryT said
...And Naska!

I'm surprised at you!
I didn't know you play the oboe!

This one is nice too! rofllaughsmilerofl

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