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Jokes
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Mustang
Minnesnowda
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September 18, 2011 - 12:05 pm
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Need a laugh? I have jokes.

 

The first 2 I made up myself, the rest I found on the internet.

What's an orchestra's favorite game to play?

Haydn seek.

What's another game that orchestras like to play?

Bachgammon.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

There is none. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

What do lightning and a violinist's fingers have in common?

They both never strike the same place twice.

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Why did the blonde violinist quit the symphony?

Because she got insulted when the conductor said she was too loud and should try playing piano instead.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't get up that high!

 

This one will make you rofl

HAYDN'S CHOPIN LISZT AT VIVALDI'S:
Rossini and cheese
Schumann polish
Bern-n-stein remover
Satie mushrooms
batteries (Purcell)
BeethOVEN cleaner
Hummel microwave meals
orange Schubert
TchaiCOUGHsky drops
marshMahlers
Honey-nut Berlioz
Cui-tips
Chef Boyardee Raveli
sour cream and Ives
Strauss (straws)
chocolate Webers (wafers)
Del Monteverdi corn
Mozart-rella cheese
I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
Bach of serial (opera)
chicken Balakirev
new door Handel
Golden Brahms
Clemen-TEA
Little Debussy snack cakes
Oscar Meyerbeer bologna

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gStretch
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September 18, 2011 - 12:56 pm
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 What's  brown  and  sits  on  a  piano  stool ?  Beethoven's  last  movement

On a  music  test : Handel  was  half  German ,  half  Italian,  and  half  English .

Gone  Chopin . Be  Bach  in  a  minuet .

  Arnold  Schwarzenegger  recently  turned  down  the  chance  to  play  Beethoven  in  a  movie  about  the  composer . He  replied  "I'll  be  Bach ."

http://www.blogiversity.org/bl.....-puns.aspx

🙂

-g

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David Burns
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September 18, 2011 - 2:06 pm
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Fiddlerman
Fort Lauderdale
September 18, 2011 - 2:30 pm
Member Since: September 26, 2010
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Yes, Victor Borge was something all right.

Here he is playing with our old concert master from my former orchestra, MSO

Anton Kontra and Victor Borge playing supposedly Borge is improvising.

"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."

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SaraO
Michigan
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September 18, 2011 - 2:51 pm
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Fiddlerman said:

Yes, Victor Borge was something all right.

Here he is playing with our old concert master from my former orchestra, MSO

Anton Kontra and Victor Borge playing supposedly Borge is improvising.

That was seriously entertaining!

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HeadCheese
Plano, Texas
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September 23, 2011 - 4:56 pm
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Make me a better musician

There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.

"For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.

The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."

The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out popped the genie.

"You have two more wishes!" he said.

"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"

Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out came the genie.

"This is your last wish." the genie said.

"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"

Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.

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HeadCheese
Plano, Texas
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September 23, 2011 - 5:01 pm
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I used to get a variation of this one as a drummer:

Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.

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HeadCheese
Plano, Texas
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September 23, 2011 - 5:11 pm
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Last ones about Violas, I promise.

 

COMPARISONS

 

What's the difference between a Viola and fingernails scraping on a blackboard?
Vibrato.

What's the difference between a Viola player and a dressmaker?
The dressmaker gets paid to tuck up the frills: A Viola player ...
Figure it out.

What's the difference between a Viola player and Doctor Scholl's Footpads?
Doctor Scholl's bucks up the feet: A Viola player ...
OK, we're not going to go there.  This website has a family rating.

What's the difference between a Violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
You can tune the lawnmower.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
The neighbors get pissed if you don't return their lawnmower.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
If you show the lawnmower on the Home Shopping Network, you have a chance of selling it.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
The exhaust smells different.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
The Viola doesn't have covers for the F-holes, and the gasoline will spill out.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
You don't pour gasoline ON the lawnmower.

What's the difference between a Viola and a Macaw?
One makes obnoxious, irritating, non-musical noises;  The other is a bird.

What's the difference between a Viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why is a Violist like a terrorist?
They both mangle the bowings. (Bowings/Boeings ... Get it?)

What's the difference between a Violist and a terrorist?
A few people actually like terrorists; Their mothers ...

Why is a Viola like a lawsuit?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Why are Violas larger than Violins?
They're not; It's an optical illusion. Viola players have small heads.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
A chainsaw has a better chance at blending in a string quartet.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
In the "Texas Viola Massacre", the killer was wearing a tuxedo.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
After you put gasoline in the chainsaw, people don't throw lit matches at you.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
The Viola is always sharp.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
The person holding the chainsaw can probably read music.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
The law doesn't require a DANGER: MAY CAUSE INJURY warning label on a viola.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
You can't fake cutting down a tree.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
You can tune up a chainsaw.

How is a chainsaw like a Viola?
When either is in use, anyone nearby should wear earplugs.

How is a chainsaw like a Viola?
When being used, they both start out very sharp but don't stay that way.

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Viola?
A vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in before it sucks.

What's the difference between an Oboist and a Violist?
The oboe player sustained brain damage AFTER taking up the instrument.

What's the difference between a Violist and a prostitute?
A prostitute knows more than one position.

What's the difference between a Violist and a prostitute?
A prostitute keeps better tempo.

What's the difference between a Violist and a prostitute?
Prostitutes have a useful purpose.

Yes, but how is a Violist LIKE a prostitute?
Both get paid to fake climaxes.

What's the difference between a Viola and an onion?
Nobody cries when they chop up a Viola.

What's the difference between a Viola and a TV dinner?
The Viola doesn't fit in a Microwave oven. (Unless you break the neck off)

What's the difference between a Violist and a puppy?
The puppy will stop whining eventually.

What's the difference between a Violin and a Viola?
The viola holds more beer.

What's the difference between a Violin and a Viola?
A Viola burns longer.

And do you know WHY the Viola burns longer?
It's usually still in the case.

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Fiddlerman
Fort Lauderdale
September 23, 2011 - 6:13 pm
Member Since: September 26, 2010
Forum Posts: 11702

HeadCheese said:

I used to get a variation of this one as a drummer:

Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.

LOL, This is one that I never heard. Usually the answer is percussionists.

"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."

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gStretch
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September 23, 2011 - 6:28 pm
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What's the difference between a Viola player and a dressmaker?
The dressmaker gets paid to tuck up the frills: A Viola player …
Figure it out.

i had to think about this one...bahahhhaha XD 

 

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
The person holding the chainsaw can probably read music.

OUCH!

 

What's the difference between a Violin and a Viola?
A Viola burns longer.

And do you know WHY the Viola burns longer?
It's usually still in the case.

OH BURN! (pun intended XD )

-g 

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gStretch
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September 23, 2011 - 6:31 pm
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ok some violin jokes and viola jokes XD

What's the difference between a violin and a
fiddle?

A fiddle is fun to listen
to.

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a
dog?

The dog knows when to stop
scratching.

How do you keep your violin from getting
stolen?

Put it in a viola case. 

more here..

http://suewidemark.com/violinjokes.htm

 

-g

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HeadCheese
Plano, Texas
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September 24, 2011 - 5:34 pm
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, Monkey tricks for twenty years ? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did? And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes ..... eighty, okay ? " Okay," said God, "You asked for it. " So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has " Now " been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

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Chinny
Perth
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LOL good one. But surely you're not on the porch barking at everyone.... entertaining grandchildren perhaps dancinbunny ? or maybe you're still slaving away frown 

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HeadCheese
Plano, Texas
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September 29, 2011 - 1:22 pm
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Jumper Cable Necktie

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at
the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must
wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his
car. He looks around for a necktie and discovers that he
just doesn't have one, but he sees a set of jumper cables in
his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck,
manages to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot, and
lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer carefully looks
him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess
you can come in - just don't start anything."

 

drummer

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HeadCheese
Plano, Texas
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Ketchup Trouble

 

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she said to the minister, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

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HeadCheese
Plano, Texas
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Pack a Parachute

 

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.

He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

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HeadCheese
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Job Performance Review

"Suppose," says the old salt of a sea captain, testing his
new recruit, "that a sudden storm springs up on your
starboard side. What would you do?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," says the new sailor.

"And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir," the raw recruit replies.

"Now," says the captain, "a storm springs up forward of the
ship. What would you do this time?"

"Throw out another anchor, Captain."

"Hold on, hold on. Where are you getting all these anchors
from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir,"
replied the new recruit.

He got to keep his job.

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HeadCheese
Plano, Texas
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September 29, 2011 - 1:31 pm
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The following is perfectly logical to all males.

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband returns home with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

exactly

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HeadCheese
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Mixed Signals

My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief
high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him.

One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the
device started to beep. Surprised, my niece looked up at
him. "Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."

 

amuse

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Fiddlerman
Fort Lauderdale
September 29, 2011 - 5:24 pm
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HeadCheese said:

The following is perfectly logical to all males.

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband returns home with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

exactly

I tested it on my wife and at first she didn't understand. LOL

"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."

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