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A lady called the Los Angeles musicians union to inquire about the cost of booking a
five piece band with a singer for a wedding...
The AFM rep says "Off the top of my head, roughly two thousand dollars"...
She says "WHAT? FOR MUSIC ?"...
The rep responds, "Ma'am... I'll tell you what. Call the plumbers' union and ask for six
plumbers to work from six to twelve o'clock on a Saturday night. Whatever they charge
you, I'll work for half of that."
She called back and said, "I get your point." 
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
Not really a joke but an amusing story .............
The King was worried because his Court Wizard was gaining too much power. The King summoned the Wizard to a special meeting in the castle tower and brought two guards with him. The King told the guards that he would question the Wizard. If the Wizard failed to answer any questions, the guards were to throw the Wizard out of the window.
The King asked his first question. "When will you die ?" The Wizard thought about it and said, "I really don't know the day but, I fear that you will die two weeks after I do."
The Wizard lived.
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Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
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"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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Not a music joke but I liked it:
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start-up a conversation during an endless wait in Toronto's Terminal 3 airport. The first lady was an arrogant Upper Canadian (aka Ontarian) married to a wealthy business man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Bell Island, Newfoundland.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the Upper Canadian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me. "The lady from Bell Island commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. Again, the lady from Bell Island commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Bell Island lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?
"The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Bell Island lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What on earth for? "The elderly Bell Island lady responded, "Well as an example, instead of saying, "Who gives a Fuck?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious . . . . "
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
Funny story but I detect a little bit of local (Canadian?) politics ? 
I only know Red Neck jokes.
A hunter sees another hunter on the other side of a river. The first guy yells across "How do I get to the other side ?".
The second guy says "You're ON the other side !" 
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"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
Honorary advisor
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I don't know if this is Necropost, but here goes:
How do you make a complete newbie play vibrato on demand?
Mark the whole piece "SOLO".
You'll get a full-body vibrato onstage XD
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This is a well known VIOLA joke in many areas of the world.
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.""Hasn't affected my brothers though.
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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