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...so a top violinist says to a fiddler, "I have such a terrible time keeping my violin in tune. My strings are pure gut strings, and they cost $200, and I have to change them every month."
Fiddler says, " My fiddle is great. Best fiddle in the world. Better than any violin. It doesn't matter if I'm in the desert, or in a rainy fiddle camp, I never have any problem with the tuning. No problem at all. Never.
Violinist says, "does your fiddle actually have any strings on it?"
Fiddler : "er....no..."
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springer said
A joke isent any good if you have to explain it but that really is a verbal joke.
OK, so I won't explain it.
The Past, the Present and the Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
(The epitome of a verbal joke.) 
I've learned so much from my mistakes that I've decided to make some more.
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Cool Gail!
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ROFL..... Thanks guys.
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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I went to the zoo yesterday. It only had 1 animal, a dog.
It was a shitzu!
I am amazed at how old people of my age are.....
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Reminds me of that movie called "Best in Show", hilarious.
Another great one is "This is Spinal Tap" especially if you've ever dreamed of being a rock star 
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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Reminds me of that movie called "Best in Show", hilarious.
Another great one is "This is Spinal Tap" especially if you've ever dreamed of being a rock star
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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Joshua bell walks into an opticians shop, carrying his violin case.
Optician says "omg, are you Joshua Bell?"
Josh says, "Yeah, that's me. Listen, I got a big problem here. I hope you can help me."
Op says, "OK, what's up?"
Josh opens up the violin case, and there's a huge turd inside it, the full length of the case.
Op says, "Josh, I can see you really do have a big problem there, but I really can't help you. You need to see a doctor, my friend."
Josh says, "Yeah, I know, but I thought you might be able to help me. It's just that evey time I pass one of these, my eyes water."
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My boss [who is a woman] sent me this, it is too funny not to share.
Never Argue with a Woman:
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
Cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book..
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.
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LOL Didi that one was funny, I'll spread it around.
"It can sing like a bird, it can cry like a human being, it can be very angry, it can be all that humans are" Maxim Vengerov
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Long Live The Cowboy
A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Received from dadiodio.
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Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
"It can sing like a bird, it can cry like a human being, it can be very angry, it can be all that humans are" Maxim Vengerov
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A girl comes skipping home from school, says, "Mummy, all the class can count to 10, but I can count to 50. Is it because I'm blond?" Mum : "Yes, honey, it's because you're blond".
"Mummy, all the class can sprint 100 metres, but I can do 500! Is it because I'm blond?" "Yes, honey, it's because you're blond."
"Mummy, all the girls in class have flat chests, and I have lovely big firm, round boobies! Is is because I'm blond?"
"No honey, it's because you're 27."
Jim
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After a hard night biking and partying, Biker Jim woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to slowly & painfully open his eyes and was surprised at what he saw. He sat up and took the aspirins and drank the glass of water on the side table and noticed his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jim looked around the room and saw that everything was in perfect order, spotless and clean. He noticed and picked up a note that had fallen off the night table onto the floor. It read: "Honey, I left you aspirins & water, you’ll find breakfast still warm and on the stove, I left early to go shopping and will be back soon. I Love you."
He got up, got dressed, went into the kitchen and sure enough there was a huge hot breakfast and the morning newspaper waiting for him. His son was also at the table, eating so Jim asked, "Son, do you have any idea, what happened last night?"
His son looked up and said, "Well Dad, you came home after 3 A.M., screaming, belligerent, drunk and delirious. You fell several times, broke furniture, puked in the hall and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Now totally confused at his wife’s behavior Biker Jim asks, "So, why is everything in order and breakfast waiting on the table?" His son looked up from his plate and said, "Oh, that! Well last night after you passed out drunk, Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take off your pants, you said, "Hey, lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
"If you practice with your hands you must practice all day. Practice with your mind and you can accomplish the same amount in minutes." Nathan Milstein
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Q: What's pink and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff
Q: what's blue and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff holding its breath
I am amazed at how old people of my age are.....
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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
I am amazed at how old people of my age are.....
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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
I am amazed at how old people of my age are.....
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What did the Mexican fireman call his two sons?
Jose and Hose B.
Horse walks into a bar.
Barman says, "Why the long face?"
Sparrow walks into a bar and order a beer.
Barman says, "I'm not serving you - you're out of your tree."
What do you call a girl with a food mixer on her head?
Blenda.
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Two Texans are sitting at a bar eyeing an attractive woman eating dinner at a nearby. Suddenly, the woman begins to choke. The first Texan rushes over, grabs the woman and turns her over his lap. He lifts her skirt, drops her drawers and licks her bottom. The woman is so shocked she spits out the food she was choking on. Embarrassed, she leaves the bar.
The second Texan says "Slim, how'd you know what to do with that gal?" The first Texan replies "Well, I done heard about that hind-lick maneuver but ain't never had a chance to try it before."
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