Second Act

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he needed to use the restroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the men's room.

He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage. Since nobody was watching and his need was becoming more urgent, he decided to relieve himself right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said indignantly. "You were in it!"

Received from Joke du Jour.

Lazy Employee

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily.

"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said, "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come back!"

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said, "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"

"He's not an employee," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said, "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to
my former state!"

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

Football at Notre Dame

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an
unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the knee."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve clean of all the marks, "boys will be boys."

Received from Andychap.

Escaped Lion

A man was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running toward him. He stopped one of the runners and asked, "What's happening?"

The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the city zoo."

"Oh no! Which way is it heading?"

"Well, you don't think we're chasing it, do you?"

Received from Becky Day.

CatMcCall said

It's also the first step to making soap

Thank goodness it's not the last. Lye will get you clean in a way you won't soon forget. Or heal...