Welcome to our forum. A Message To Our New and Prospective Members . Check out our Forum Rules. Lets keep this forum an enjoyable place to visit.
Check out our 2023 Group Christmas Project HERE
Log In
Register
Home
Topic RSS
(8 votes) 
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
Raise
Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, proactiveness, and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!
Received from Gloria Mitchell.
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
Elderly Texting Codes
ATD = at the doctor
BFF = best friend fell
BTW = bring the wheelchair
BYOT = bring your own teeth
FWIW = forgot where I was
GGPBL = gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA = got heartburn again
IMHO = is my hearing aid on?
LMDO = laughing my dentures out
OMMR = on my massage recliner
ROFLACGU = rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
Received from RichnAnna.
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
Ice Fishing
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. e heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.
All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but he sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but he can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.
Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No," the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
Received from PackyHumor.
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
The English Professor
An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his
class and noticed that one of his students had fallen
asleep. The professor was annoyed enough to send the book
spinning through the air and bounce it off the sleeper's
skull. Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.
"That," said the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."
Received from Stan Kegel.
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
Counting Rabbits
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
How to Identify Where a Driver is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on, blocking Fiddlerman on his way to a gig: Florida.
Received from FranCMT2.
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
Groaner: Emergency Kit
Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
Received from Stan Kegel.
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
Cooking a Roast
One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it, and set it in the roasting pan.
The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.
That night Grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought, Grandma replied that it was the way her mother had done it.
Now the great-grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question.
Great-Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it would fit in the pan, of course."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
Honorary advisor
Regulars
Offline
HeadCheese said:
Middle Age Texting Codes
Not to be rude but sounds more like old age texting codes. Like doctors, dentures, hearing aids, wheelchairs and all don't really apply to middle age imo. old age on the other hand would totally work.
And that rabbit joke.... I thought you were going to say 7 as in because rabbits multiply so fast!
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
Chinny said:
HeadCheese said:
Middle Age Texting Codes
Not to be rude but sounds more like old age texting codes. Like doctors, dentures, hearing aids, wheelchairs and all don't really apply to middle age imo. old age on the other hand would totally work.
And that rabbit joke.... I thought you were going to say 7 as in because rabbits multiply so fast!
I changed the title just for you, Chinny! 
Honorary advisor
Regulars
Offline
so my mom was filing her fingernails and she said, "hey i should be able to play the violin real good" XD hahahah
-g
Honorary advisor
Regulars
Offline
HeadCheese said:
I changed the title just for you, Chinny!
I feel honoured that you would go though all that effort for me 
gStretch said:
so my mom was filing her fingernails and she said, "hey i should be able to play the violin real good" XD hahahah
-g
haha I wish that's all it took to play the violin well
Offline
LOL, so she's been thinking about it? Or was it entirely a joke? Does she ever check out what you are doing? YOUR MOM ------>
<------- YOU
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
Regulars
Offline
gStretch said:
so my mom was filing her fingernails and she said, "hey i should be able to play the violin real good" XD hahahah
-g
Your mom could learn together now that you won a violin, don't fight over the violin, though:P
Offline
Great idea,
Two for the price of one. I love it. So, congratulations to g's mom too.
LOL
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
Regulars
Offline
HeadCheese (why head cheese and not cheesy head? Are you the head of cheese company?)
thanks for all the jokes you have posted. I enjoy reading them and they help me relax, especially after some tough moments at work.
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
pky said:
HeadCheese (why head cheese and not cheesy head? Are you the head of cheese company?)
thanks for all the jokes you have posted. I enjoy reading them and they help me relax, especially after some tough moments at work.
I've not a Packers fan ("Cheese Head") or associated with cheese manufacture in any way.
My grandfather used to refer to his dog as "The Head Cheese around here," meaning "The Boss." It's a really old term that you may hear in old black-and-white gangster films or Three Stooges episodes during the era when you might get a "sock on the jaw" for being a "wise guy."
For my own purposes, I enjoy the double entendré of headcheese not only meaning "boss" but also "nasty-luncheon-meat-that-must've-originated-from-a lost-bet-by-a-drunken-frat-boy." 
I've been using this nickname online since the mid-80s, when "online" meant "CompuServe" or a private BBS you had to directly dial-up. It has long since ceased to have any connotation or meaning to me, however. It's just my name.
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
Drum Problem
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
Received from You Make Me Laugh.
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
Swallowing a Coin
The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out.
"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started.
"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS*."
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
*For those of you outside of America, the IRS is our national tax-collection agency.
Honorary tenured advisor
Regulars
Offline
Speaking of Tax Collectors...
Tax Collectors
A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm.
"Do you serve tax collectors?" he asks the barman.
"Of course," says the barman.
"Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector."
Received from Stan Kegel.
1 Guest(s)
Mouse
tonyluo
ELCBK
