A Few Nights Before Christmas

A few nights before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Just me and my mouse.

My shopping not done,
I had flown to my chair.
I'd get on the Internet,
And buy my gifts there!

"On Visa! On MasterCard,
Amex! Discover!..."
Double click here!
Buy one or the other!

Load up your shopping cart,
Away with the mall!
Now click away, click away,
Click away, all!

I had finished my list,
"That was easy," I thought,
"But how do I get all this
Stuff I just bought?"

I must have dozed off,
When I heard such a clatter.
I arose with a start
To see what was the matter.

I threw open the door...
Is this some sort of trick?
The guy on the porch-
"You must be St. Nick!"

"You wish," said the guy,
"It's the Fed Ex, you old coot.
Who else do you think
Could schlep all this loot?"

I thanked him again
As he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all,
And to all a good night!"

[From the comic strip "Shoe"]

A guy talking to his therapist says,

 "I have always had a fear of traveling under long bridges in  a car full of people."

The therapist replies. "Ah yes, it sounds like a classic case of  car pool tunnel syndrome.

Webster

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

Received from Laugh & Lift.

Hot Shot Pilot

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this, hot-shot."

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

From a Child's Mouth...

Several years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to customer sites often, my wife would usually drop me off at Newark (N.J.) airport and pick me up when I returned. On one trip, I was only going to be gone for a few days, so I drove
myself and parked the car at Newark.

When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I
came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children, Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn, apparently scared by the loud storm.

I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom
that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds
of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me and came running, shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his mom was.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.