I don't know what to call this blog- it's not going to be a practice diary, more of a reflection on how things are going. 

My musical background is spotty. I have four years of experience on the violin as a child, three on the trombone, and I've fooled around on the keyboard for as long as I have had one. I also have a good singing voice. 

However, I have a major inferiority complex when it comes to music. I've had two romantic relationships where the people were very gifted at music. They had the kind of talent where everyone sought them out to perform or be part of whatever musical thing was going on, the kind that teachers always praised to the skies. Me? Not so much. I'm not bad, but I'm not phenomenal, and the perfectionist side of me- weaker than when I was younger, but still there- feels like I should stick to what I'm naturally gifted at instead of trying to engage in music even though I don't have as much natural talent as others. One of these partners knew of my insecurity and used it in an emotionally abusive way. So for me to pick up the violin again is a big step. I can't even bring myself to set goals for my playing, at least not yet because even to do so feels presumptuous. 

I also do not have the fondest memories of playing the violin. I never felt like I sounded good to myself. I wonder how many kids in my situation this is true for, and how many of them quit because of it. I started in a public school 4th, 5th and 6th grade orchestra. There were about 10 of us playing the violin, and as long as the cat-strangling sound didn't get too bad, it was assumed you got whatever was being taught. Needless to say, this situation allowed a lot of bad habits to form. They also would teach us temporary habits (like to put the thumb under the frog on the bow) and never taught us to undo them (I've decided I am not at all a fan of a "teach the wrong way temporarily" approach.) I quit orchestra at the end of my eighth-grade year because it conflicted with another class I wanted more. And I didn't really care. We had never been taught vibrato. We had never focused on technique at all, and I was tired of sounding bad. 

So why, given all of that, would I even want to pick up the violin again? Well, players like this: 

or this

or this

I never knew the violin could be used for "fun" music, not just classical or jazz. Not that I have anything against either style- indeed, I love both. But artists like these opened up a new world of what music could look like. It also showed people getting their work out there without having to get a record deal or win auditions. 

So, I've decided I have three goals for this journey. 

1. To sound good to myself and have fun 

2. To have a special activity for me and my adult daughter (who has wanted to learn forever) to do together, and 

3. To someday again, play in an orchestra or other group. 

We'll see how things go. Right now I'm focusing on my left-hand struggles, but that's another post!