Make me a better musician

There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.

"For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.

The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."

The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out popped the genie.

"You have two more wishes!" he said.

"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"

Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out came the genie.

"This is your last wish." the genie said.

"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"

Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.

Last ones about Violas, I promise.

COMPARISONS

What's the difference between a Viola and fingernails scraping on a blackboard?
Vibrato.

What's the difference between a Viola player and a dressmaker?
The dressmaker gets paid to tuck up the frills: A Viola player ...
Figure it out.

What's the difference between a Viola player and Doctor Scholl's Footpads?
Doctor Scholl's bucks up the feet: A Viola player ...
OK, we're not going to go there.  This website has a family rating.

What's the difference between a Violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
You can tune the lawnmower.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
The neighbors get pissed if you don't return their lawnmower.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
If you show the lawnmower on the Home Shopping Network, you have a chance of selling it.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
The exhaust smells different.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
The Viola doesn't have covers for the F-holes, and the gasoline will spill out.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
You don't pour gasoline ON the lawnmower.

What's the difference between a Viola and a Macaw?
One makes obnoxious, irritating, non-musical noises;  The other is a bird.

What's the difference between a Viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why is a Violist like a terrorist?
They both mangle the bowings. (Bowings/Boeings ... Get it?)

What's the difference between a Violist and a terrorist?
A few people actually like terrorists; Their mothers ...

Why is a Viola like a lawsuit?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Why are Violas larger than Violins?
They're not; It's an optical illusion. Viola players have small heads.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
A chainsaw has a better chance at blending in a string quartet.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
In the "Texas Viola Massacre", the killer was wearing a tuxedo.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
After you put gasoline in the chainsaw, people don't throw lit matches at you.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
The Viola is always sharp.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
The person holding the chainsaw can probably read music.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
The law doesn't require a DANGER: MAY CAUSE INJURY warning label on a viola.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
You can't fake cutting down a tree.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
You can tune up a chainsaw.

How is a chainsaw like a Viola?
When either is in use, anyone nearby should wear earplugs.

How is a chainsaw like a Viola?
When being used, they both start out very sharp but don't stay that way.

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Viola?
A vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in before it sucks.

What's the difference between an Oboist and a Violist?
The oboe player sustained brain damage AFTER taking up the instrument.

What's the difference between a Violist and a prostitute?
A prostitute knows more than one position.

What's the difference between a Violist and a prostitute?
A prostitute keeps better tempo.

What's the difference between a Violist and a prostitute?
Prostitutes have a useful purpose.

Yes, but how is a Violist LIKE a prostitute?
Both get paid to fake climaxes.

What's the difference between a Viola and an onion?
Nobody cries when they chop up a Viola.

What's the difference between a Viola and a TV dinner?
The Viola doesn't fit in a Microwave oven. (Unless you break the neck off)

What's the difference between a Violist and a puppy?
The puppy will stop whining eventually.

What's the difference between a Violin and a Viola?
The viola holds more beer.

What's the difference between a Violin and a Viola?
A Viola burns longer.

And do you know WHY the Viola burns longer?
It's usually still in the case.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, Monkey tricks for twenty years ? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did? And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes ..... eighty, okay ? " Okay," said God, "You asked for it. " So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has " Now " been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Jumper Cable Necktie

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at
the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must
wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his
car. He looks around for a necktie and discovers that he
just doesn't have one, but he sees a set of jumper cables in
his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck,
manages to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot, and
lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer carefully looks
him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess
you can come in - just don't start anything."

Pack a Parachute

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.

He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

The following is perfectly logical to all males.

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband returns home with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."