There you go. Proof positive that your wife is not male...

Fact of Life

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No man has ever lived that long yet."

Custer

Eighty years after Little Big Horn, an East Coast journalist began research on George Armstrong Custer. A friend told him that an Indian who lived through that experience was still living and furthermore remembered EVERY event of his long
life.

The journalist visited Chief Big Eagle, who now lived in a small town in Pennsylvania. When he arrived and stated his purpose, the Chief agreed to answer his questions.

"On what day of the week did the event take place?" the reporter asked.

"Wednesday," replied the chief.

"What was Custer wearing?"

"Black uniform ... ceremony sword ... old hat."

"What did Custer eat for breakfast?"

"Eggs." The journalist was skeptical and figured anyone could make up these answers. He left and never published his article.

Ten years later, the journalist was driving through the same small town. He decided to see if the old chief was still living. To his surprise, the chief was.

As the journalist walked in, he raised his hand in the air to the chief and said, "How!"

The chief replied, "Over easy, potatoes on the side."

Random Acts of Thinking

I want to become a vegetarian, but I'm not sure I can quit eating meat cold turkey.

I wear glasses. Doesn't that mean that *everything* I see is an optical illusion?

I paid my psychiatrist with a reality check.

Do fishermen live in the reel world?

You want to know a really, really hugely annoyingly bad habit? Over-exaggeration.

I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing a blank.

My wife and I love each other. I rub her back and she massages my ego.

When he who lives in a glass house invites he who is without sin for dinner, bad things can happen.

You can't stop progress, but you can unplug a good chunk of it.

A chrysanthemum by any other name … would be easier to spell.

Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

My life no longer needs an extreme makeover. Now it just needs a complete do over.

A friend of mine has a nose ring. She keeps the volume pretty low, though, and sets it to "vibrate" at the movies.

I'm not too handy with tools. I once got my finger caught in a screwdriver.

Yesterday I pushed my luck. It was clearly too weak to move by itself.

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

Last Wishes

A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away.

When her husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer that would "take care" of all of the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife opened the drawer and there were 3
envelopes just like he said.

One the first envelope it said "for the casket." There was $5,000.00 in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.

The second envelope said "for the expenses" and had $4,000.00 in it so she paid all the bills from the funeral.

The third envelope said "for the stone" and had $3,000.00 in it. She then held her ring finger out to her friends and said, "Isn't it Beautiful?!?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.