Psychiatric Confession

Three psychiatrists who are attending a convention decide to take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't
we hear each other out right now?"

They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over-bill patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

Last one today, I promise...

Fairy Godmother

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."

POOF: The fairy godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."

POOF: The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single weak, hoarse "woof."

"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"

POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who had now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man she had ever seen, more handsome than she could possibly have imagined.

She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened.

He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Received from Debbie Fox.

Cherokee Language

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."

One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"

"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Nervous Minister

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"

A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes."

Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

"How would you do it?"

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

Cletus

Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.

He asks him what it does, and the co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Cletus is amazed, and when he gets home, he immediately goes out and buys one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.

The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"

He says, "Soup and ice cream!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

Wise Guys 1

Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Always Go the Extra Mile." In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled, "That's Because We Missed the Last exit."

A young woman was driving through the outback when she saw an elderly Aboriginal woman sitting on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.  She stopped and asked if the old lady would like a lift.

Wordlessly the elder got into the car, the woman drove off.

The elderly woman said not a word for 50km through the dust, not answering any questions the young woman asked.

Finally, the elderly woman spied a gift bag on the floor of the car, and said 'What you got there?'

'Oh, that's a bottle of wine I got for my husband.'

'Fair swap.'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....  It reads: 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES 

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS 
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive... On the far side of the parking lot is a 
stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell .... The door is answered by a nun in a long black 
habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite 
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'  
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.  The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. 
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE 
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS.  
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER