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A Case of the Flu
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor for to get an appointment.
When he was told the scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"
Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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What's Wrong with Lawyer Jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to
think they're jokes.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Computer Help
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up, so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone, and I explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.
"Sir," I said politely, "can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"
"Okay," the computer support guy said. "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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Poison
From Billy Crystal:
A man goes in to see his rabbi. He says, "I think my wife is
trying to poison me."
The rabbi says, "I'll speak with her."
The next day, the rabbi says, "I spent three hours yesterday
talking with your wife. Take the poison."
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Mysterious Leg Problem
The patient said, "Doc, you must check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, and you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh and heard, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!"
The doctor was truly dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this."
"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am
really desperate!"
"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in any of my books," the doctor said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "However, I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
- Stan Kegel
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It Hurts All Over
A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all over."
And the doctor says, "That's impossible."
"No, really!" she said, "Just look -- when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts," she replies.
The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blond, aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."
Received from Spedtcr.
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HeadCheese said:
It Hurts All Over
A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all over."
And the doctor says, "That's impossible."
"No, really!" she said, "Just look -- when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts," she replies.
The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blond, aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."
Received from Spedtcr.
hahahahhahah XD i like that one XD
-g
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My wife was offended.
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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oops, is she blonde? 
-g
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She is Swedish. What do you think? LOL 
The jokes kind of come with the territory just as do the viola jokes though.
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
I don't like the blonde jokes either. Being blond does not have any thing to do with one's inteligence. I remembered years ago on Reader's Digest, there were tons of Blonde's jokes, then after a several issues, a blonde fight back by posting a brunet's joke and that stopped the blonde's jokes.
BTW, my husband is blond and he is super smart. My point is: it hurts when jokes is about one's physical appearance or what you do (e.g., violin vs. viola).
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My wife is African American and I am Irish and Indian. We both have a great sense of humor but where is the joke? 
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HeadCheese said:
Computer Help
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up, so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone, and I explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.
"Sir," I said politely, "can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"
"Okay," the computer support guy said. "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
This is one explanation why people from Texas are so dumb...
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myguitarnow said:
This is one explanation why people from Texas are so dumb…
I'm guessing that if my profile said that I was from any other state, that would be the one that was "dumb." I get it.
Thanks for taking the effort to make it personal MGN.
I'm neither thin-skinned nor thick-witted, however, so I'll take my lumps and move on.
From Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream
Prologue
If we offend, it is with our good will.
That you should think, we come not to offend,
But with good will. To show our simple skill,
That is the true beginning of our end.
Consider then we come but in despite.
We do not come as minding to content you,
Our true intent is. All for your delight
We are not here. That you should here repent you,
The actors are at hand; and by their show,
You shall know all that you are like to know.
I was merely the narrator, and not the actor. If I offended by sharing, I humbly apologize. It was never my intent.
As my penance, I will not post any more jokes.
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Fiddlerman said:
She is Swedish. What do you think? LOL
I'm sorry if this was misunderstood. I laugh at lot's of jokes and I told her this joke cause I found it funny. I don't take any jokes personally. I make the same mistake as you HC. The problem is that she doesn't have the same sense of humor that I have. She gave me a dirty look when I told her the joke but it was half jokingly.
"A man isn't poor if he can still laugh". ~Raymond Hitchcock
"A good time to laugh is any time you can". ~Linda Ellerbee
" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose". ~Woody Allen
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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HeadCheese said:
I was merely the narrator, and not the actor. If I offended by sharing, I humbly apologize. It was never my intent.
As my penance, I will not post any more jokes.
And if you don't, where will we get our daily laughs from?
Please, I beg you, DON'T STOP !!!!
If you think you can, or you think you can't, you're probably right.
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Hey Head Cheese, I think you might be a genius. How the heck (hell) do you come up with all you do? Go on with your jokes...And go on with your viola playing... I would love to meet ya man. You know what's really funny? My cat Diva that we rescued from all the California fires a couple years ago is a bobcat. She's like 3 feet long now so she's no house pet cat. She won't leave us though and our cat Dillinger and her cuddle up and sleep together every night. We live in the canyons, lots of wilderness and stuff. And Diva just wants to hang out with us so we let her. I don't know if that is a funny story or what?
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I hope the jokes keep coming Head Cheese. If we can't laugh at ourselves who can we laugh at. I grew up with 4 brothers there wasn't a day they that went by without us making fun of each other. Actually there still isn't.
Headcheese, I love your jokes! It makes me laugh and relax after a hard day at work!
Here are my opinions on the viola and blonde jokes:
There might be other violist that are browsing this website, what would they think if they thought those jokes represent how violinists view them? Yes, i know maybe some of us don't care if any violists visiting this site, it would not do this site any good. My message is: it is not for us to judge anybody else if they are dump or stupid.
A joke does not hurt when you are not in it. I'm not a violist, I'm not a blonde, but I put myself in their shoes, when one hears a joke or two about himself or herself, that's fine, but when there's a ton, it hurts and SENSE OF HUMOUR DOES NOT HELP! For example, a friend of mine whose husband used to joke with her; she was a stayed home mom, each day when he came home, he asked her, "where's the mail man?" She told me, at first she felt funny and laughed about it, eventually she was annoyed and upset, "Does my husband really think I'm having an afair while he's gone?"
Paul said, "if we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at?" the viola and blonde jokes aren't laughing at ourselves, we are laughing at others. A joke should be we laugh WITH each other.
I'm being straight forward and hope it does not offend you or anyone else.
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Pky, I understand what you are saying and agree.
When you are part of a joke and know it is a joke from someone who loves you it can be ok. But depending on how much you are the object of a joke or depending on circumstances in your past I can see how jokes can be hurtful.
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