Two zombies where sitting in a bar.

One says to the other, Whats your favorite Wizard of Oz song?

The other zombie replies: "If I only had a Brain"

Happy Halloween!

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the little boy.

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Received from Michael Ciha.

Yea, I heard that one, but uh when I heard it , It was a zombie that ran into confession!

Hot Air

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the restrooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.

I asked him why, and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went into the men's restroom, he saw a sign that read:

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

Received from Pastor Tim.

That is a good one!

Lumberjack Needed

A large, well-established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.

Inheritance 

Two friends met in the street. One man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."

"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."

"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."

"Incredible! So how come you look so glum?"

"Well, this week ... nothing!"

Received from Pastor Tim.

One turkey talking to another about Thanksgiving.

Whats the worst part of Thanksgiving to you?

 Is it having your head cut off, your feathers pluked, your gizzard removed and then slow roasted until your golden brown.

Naw , I dont mind that.   I just hate being called ButterBall.