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Interstate Inspiration
Four guys are driving across country together: one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.
A short way down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the heck are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "We have so many of these things in Idaho they're lying around on the ground. I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks, "What are you doing that for?"
The Nebraskan replies, "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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pushes out the New Yorker.
You really notice how many New Yorkers we have when the Dolphins are playing the Jets or Giants even at the home games. Wish we had a good team. The new thing is, "Suck for Luck".
In order for Miami to get the number 1 draft choice, Stanfords quarterback Andrew Luck, we just need to continue loosing.
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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Roof Leak
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
Received from Pastor Tim.
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Exhausted Businessman
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Received from Teddi's Humor.
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Live to 100
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints --
this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
Received from Pastor Tim.
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Tacklebox Lures
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
Received from Mark Mail.
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"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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Ain't that the truth? Oy Vey It's their choice as long as they don't hold their pants up at the crotch. That is more offensive than style, or big bellies and small butts with suspenders, holding them up on our chests!
Note to self: Self go to the gym!!!!!!
Shalom Shalom
BCShalom said:
....Note to self: Self go to the gym!!!!!!
Shalom Shalom
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there was a catholic school and at that school a priest had put a plate of apples
at one end of the table and left a note saying : take only one god is watching and a
boy had left a plate of chocolate chip cookies and he had written a note of his own
saying : take all you want god is watching the apples
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What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
- The viola burns longer.
- The viola holds more beer.
- You can tune the violin.
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?It's usually still in the case.
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?Mark it "solo."
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
What do you do with a dead violist?Move him back a desk.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?No one cries when you cut up a viola.
What's the definition of a minor second?Two violists playing in unison.
What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?The seamstress tucks up the frills.
What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?Vibrato.
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?It saves time.
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?The bow is moving.
How was the canon invented?Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
- So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
- If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
Why don't violists play hide and seek?Because no one will look for them.
Why do violists smile when they play?Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?Skid marks before the skunk.
How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
- Sit in the back and don't play.
- Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
- The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
- Who cares?
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?The conductor. Business before pleasure.
What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?Music Minus One
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What is the range of a Viola?As far as you can kick it.
What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?They're both offensive and inaccurate.
Why are violas so large?It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.
What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
What is the definition of a cluster chord?A viola section playing on the C string.
Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?All those positions!
If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?You could fit in at least one more.
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?None. They're not small enough to fit.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
- half a measure
- a semi-tone
Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?Because he can't lean back in his chair.
What instrument do violists envy most?The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.
What's another name for viola auditions?Scratch lottery.
What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
- A prostitute knows more than two positions.
- Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?Both are paid to fake climaxes.
How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
- Shoot 11 of them.
- Shoot all of them.
- Who the hell wants a dozen violists?
What's the latest crime wave in New York City?Drive-by viola recitals.
How does a violist's brain cell die?Alone.
How do you call a violist with two brain cells?Pregnant.
Why do violists have pea-sized brains?Because alcohol has swelled them.
How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.
What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?Neither has played together since 1970.
What is the longest viola joke?Harold in Italy
What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?Vegetable soup.
Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?Neither did I.
What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?"Hold the viola from memory.
Why did the violist marry the accordion player?Upward mobility.
How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?Divide the metronome marking by 2.
Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?Because deep down they are all very nice people.
How do you keep a violist from drowning?Take your foot off his head.
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.(What are the three positions of the viola?First position, emergency, and defeat.)
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here are some more
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.
Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
The autograph book
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.
"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."
Contacting a friend
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
Here is your punishment
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
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I like that one and it's totally appropriate for Thanksgiving.
Thanks
"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
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After Dinner Delight
(Author Unknown)
I ate too much turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and much too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
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What did the turkey do!!! LOL, I love that one, my rabbi tells it and rolls on the floor with laughter. Of course He always laughs at his own jokes and tells the punch line over and over! He is so funny. LOL.
What did the turkey do? LOL I love parrot jokes!
Shalom Shalom
Happy Parrot day, errr Turkey Day!!!!!
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Whoa a lot of funny jokes posted since I last saw this thread.
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"The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least."
WaaaaHaaa!!!!! That type of jokes i like!! Well done, Mr. Moose! 
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Farside Live!!!
Shalom Shalom
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Fire Department
A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood.
The dispatcher asks, "Well, lady how do we get there?"
Confused she replies, "Don't you still have those big red fire trucks?"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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