Irish Jokes for St. Patricks Day.

Paddy is in church and the priest says to a guy, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man says "Yes, father."

The priest says, "Then, my lad, go stand over against that wall."

The priest asks another man if he would like to go to heaven and he also replies in the affirmative.  The priest then says, "Then my lad go stand over against that wall."

The priest asks Paddy if he would like to go to heaven.

Paddy says, "No Father, I do not"

The priest says, "You don't want to go to heaven when you die?"

Paddy says, "Oh, when I die.  Yes I do. I thought you were forming a party for immediate departure."

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he was late for a very important meeting. He said, "Oh Lord, if you will get me a parking space I promise to go to mass every Sunday and give up me beloved Irish Whiskey!"  Right then, a car pulls out of a parking sport right in front of him.  Paddy says, "Never mind Lord I found one."

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The night before:

Paddy staggered home drunk, as usual, after having spent all day and night at the pub playing his fiddle and drinking with his friends.  He tried to quietly sneak into the house tiptoeing across the room, but when he got to the stairs, he missed the step and landed on his backside. It hurt all the more, because he broke the bottle of whiskey in his back pocket and when he got up he could tell that he was cut.  So he quietly tiptoed into the bathroom and found a box of Band-Aids.  He looked in the mirror and tried to put a Band-Aid everywhere that he saw blood and then slipped quietly into bed.

When he woke up the next morning he had a terrible pain in his head and his backside and his wife was standing there glaring at him.

She said, "Paddy you worthless mule, you got drunk again last night didn't you?"

He said, "What would make you say something like that?"

She replied, "Well, it could be the open front door, or the broken glass and whiskey at the bottom of the stairs, or the trail of blood all through the house, but mostly it's because of all the Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror."

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Later that day:

Paddy walks into his local watering hole and says, "Mike pour me a stiff one, will ya laddie?  I've just had another fight with the little lady."

The bartender says, "Did you finally win one?"

Paddy says, "In the end she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

The bartender says, "Well that's a first. What did she say?"

Paddy says, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed ya little coward and get what's commin' to ya.'"

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Years Later:

Paddy was in the pub and he was playing the fiddle and drinking with his friends.  He happened to look up and see a hearse and a long line of cars passing by outside.  He stands up and tells the other musicians to stop playing and he puts his hand over his heart.  When the hearse is out of sight he plays Amazing Grace on the fiddle.

The guy playing the bouzouki says:  "That was awfully nice of you Paddy.  I've never seen you show respect for the dead before. I may have to change my opinion about you."

Paddy say, "Well, it was the least I could do. After all, we were married for almost 50 years."